Have you ever had a conversation with someone and have your entire world click into place? Have you ever had a conversation with someone and truly be left speechless? Have you ever had a conversation with someone and just know a change was in the future? Well, that is exactly what happened to me last night.
Over the past few weeks, I have been in what I would describe as a rut, and in the last few days, I have been immersed in emotional turmoil. I have been up and down with my mood and on the verge of breaking down in tears hourly. I have not been truly happy in what seems like weeks and I just could not seem to break through the haze; and then I had a conversation last night with a great friend and it seemed as if my entire world clicked into place.
Mike and I have been friends for about a year and a half, but in that year and a half, he has seen a lot of events occur in my life. He has seen my extreme happiness and my extreme sadness. Mike humbling stood by my side as a friend just watching my reactions to everything being thrown my way, and it were these observations he told me of last night.
In the past year and a half of my life, I have been through a lot and it wasn’t until last night, I actually gave light to these events. So many times in my life, especially the past year and a half, I have looked at events that have happened to me in the light of ‘it could always be worse.’ I have very rarely stood up and given myself credit where credit is deserved, and even more rare, have I looked at myself and been proud of the decisions I have made in my life.
In the past year and a half of my life, I moved 3 times, I changed jobs twice, my parents ended their 18-year marriage, I ended a serious, 2-year relationship, my great-grandma, whom was the ‘rock’ of our family, passed away, my great-uncle died from drug and alcohol abuse, I came to terms with the faith I always had, I dove head first back into the church I used to know and love, I ended many friendships while having to sort through many new ones and I started an internship within the young adults’ ministry I called home. Majority of people only go through one, or maybe two, of these events in one calendar year, let alone all of them in one and a half years and many within weeks of one another.
As Mike saw each of these events happen in my life, he waited for me to crumble or fall apart, like many people’s reactions would have been, but instead he saw me respond in a way like none other. I helped my family more often, I helped out at my church more, I served others when I was running dry, I made sure others around me were happy even when I knew I was not. I did not turn to alcohol. I did not turn to drugs. I refused to take the easy way out that the world around me was telling me to do.
I have been reviewing in my mind how I used to be this happy-go-lucky, always joyful girl, but something changed, I stopped being that way. I stopped having the proactive approach to life that had become a lifestyle to me. I stopped smiling constantly enough to brighten anyone’s day. It was all of this reviewing that had put me in the rut I found myself in, that put me in this emotional turmoil. Last night, though, Mike helped me to see it was okay for me to stand up and stay I had had quite a few rough events happen in my life over this past year and a half. He helped me to see, through it all, I had responded pretty great. He helped me to give myself some credit and realize it was okay for me to be proud of the decisions and responses I had made during it all.
When all of the world said I should turn to alcohol, drugs and just take the easy road out, I didn’t. I helped others be happy more than I cared about being happy myself. I served others when I thought I had nothing left to give. I continued to put others ahead of myself instead giving myself any time to grieve over the changes, losses and events that had occurred in my life. I was so worried about serving and helping others, I forgot to reflect on my life and grieve over some of the things I needed to grieve over. (By grieve, I am not meaning in a sad or disappointed way either, I am meaning grieve by means of reflecting, understanding and accepting everything that had gone on in my life recently.)
Nevertheless, last night, I came to the realization instead of moping around wondering why I was so unhappy, why I was a “different” person than I used to be, I could change and all I need to do is start acting like the person I am and always have been instead of the person I changed into most recently. I need to start giving myself some credit in my life, start being proud of the woman I am and have become because of events that have occurred in my life. I am an amazing woman of God and I am truly proud of that fact…now I’m going to start living it!